this is fact, not fiction for the first time in years.

Hope and love are for assholes.
It is better to be heartless than heartbroken. No joke.
From now on, I am numb.

HOME SWEET HOME.


Plus, I got a new car. :)

And I'd give up forever to touch you,
Cause I know that you feel me somehow.
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't want to go home right now.
And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life,
And sooner or later it's over,
I just don't want to miss you tonight.
And I don't want the world to see me,
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And you cant fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of the truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive.
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

My stomach hurts. I just want something to be easy and simple for once, but that is just not my life.

Math final soon. I don't know how to do anything on it. Mostly because of my lack of trying. Whatever.

It's really hot in here.

Today is Tuesday and I get to go home Friday and never come back. I've been waiting since the day I got here to get the fuck out, which perhaps wasn't the best attitude, but I never wanted to be here. I tried to want it, to make it work, to please people, but I couldn't do that to myself and that's okay.
So, I get to go home and lay next to Alex and pretend that I'm not scared shitless about being an adult. And even though I am terrified, I know it will be worth it when he takes all my fears away, if only for a while. I've missed him every second I've been here. :(

Moving in nine days. I don't know what to feel. I'm scared. I'm going to miss my friends so much, but I'm excited, because this isn't where I'm supposed to be. I don't know that Santa Fe is, but I feel like I have to try. Find out.

Everyday is a struggle. Not having health insurance is the most stressful thing right now. It really sucks knowing you need help and knowing it's available, but not to you. I'm putting in the effort and I wish I could catch a break.

Finals. Packing. Apartments. Jobs. So many things to do, so little time.

Just lately I've been feeling like I don't belong,
Like the ground's not mine to walk upon.
And I've heard that music echo through the house
Where my grandmother drank by herself..
And I sat watching a flower as it was withering.
I was embarrassed by its honesty.
So I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face,
Not this fucking wreck that's taken its place
So please forgive what I have done.
No, you can't stay mad at the setting sun.
We all get tired, I mean, eventually,
There is nothing left to do but sleep.

Every time I have hope, I end up disappointed and hurt. I'm under so much stress and pressure, and honestly, I'm terrified right now. That I'm going to be alone, that I'm going to fail, that I'm not going to have anywhere to go, that I just can't do it.
But I'm going to have hope. I'm going to give it one last shot and I'm going to try my goddamn hardest.
And maybe, just maybe, I will be okay this time.

I really hate this long distance relationship thing. We had a great weekend together, but as soon as we're apart, everything changes again. We live completely separate lives. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
We used to eat breakfast together, and lunch, and watch movies after school. He used to talk to me about his classes, and his friends. I feel like we don't know anything about each other's lives anymore. I just want to be a part of it and it feels like forever until I can be.
We're drifting and I don't want to.

I'm lonely.
And it's not the kind of lonely my friends can make better.
I just want to talk to him.

I hate Las Cruces. I hate it so much. And to be honest, I spend every moment missing Alex.
I've decided to transfer to the community college in Santa Fe. Yes, that is where Alex goes to school, and yes, I did partly make this decision because of him, but also, they have a culinary and baking program there. There are only two in New Mexico and the other one is not here. Let's face it: I was never cut out to be an engineer.

I feel so relieved, but slightly like a failure, too. Like I'm giving up. I've spent most of the last few months laying in bed sleeping, partly because I didn't have the energy to get up, but mostly because I was just too unhappy to give a shit about my life.
I may be moving closer to Alex, but I'm not moving FOR him. I'm moving for me. I want to be happy.
I feel like if I keep living my life according to others' expectations, I'm not going to have a life to live.

So, tomorrow is my second counseling appointment. This weekend, I'm going home to visit for the first time since I've moved and in five weeks, I'm packing my stuff and getting the hell out of here.
That's the plan anyway.

I wish time would past faster.

I want to say all the things that I feel, but I can't. I don't know how to put into words the emptiness that has taken over my life. I want to make people understand why my body feels weak and tired, but I don't know. It just is. I want to make them understand why I don't want to open my eyes in the morning, that it feels pointless to get out of bed, but when they ask why, I can't answer. There are no words. Ever. It sucks when you've spent half your life feeling this way and you still have yet to meet someone who gets it. I feel so broken. Damaged. Sometimes I get hope, just for a while, and I think I can change it. But I try and I try and I try. And I can't.

Alex is finally here and part of me feels so happy I could burst, but the rest of me just feels sad. About everything he said and everything he did and even when it's perfect, I can't stop thinking about it. I know I'm going to fuck everything up, but I just can't help it. It's not so easy to forget.

Today, I am going to the counseling center. And hopefully, I will be able to get back on antidepressants and see if that  helps.

I don't want things to be fucked up with Alex because I'm so sad all the time.
I just hope it isn't too late.
I wish he would have said something sooner.

I'm tired. :(

Just a few weeks ago, he was here and we had the best time we have had in so long. And now he met someone else. I can't comprehend it.  I love him so much. He's my best friend. 
I just want it to be a joke or a dream or anything but real. Despite all the things that happened between us, we always said that we would be together. We belonged together. We belong together. Since he told me, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't think.

I need this to not be real. I need him to realize that I love him, that he loves me. You don't stop loving someone in a week.

I'm moving to Santa Fe in January. We were going to live together. I was so excited to finally wake up next to him every single day.

I feel hopeless.
Please, can I just wake up tomorrow and have everything be okay?
I am not okay. I have not been okay since I have been here. If this is real, I am not going to be okay.

I'm eighteen years old and I don't have the energy to get out of bed every morning. My bones hurt and I have a permanent stomachache. I toss and turn all night and sleep all day. My life feels pointless. I have panic attacks far too often and I'm too shy and too nervous to say anything to anyone when I do actually leave my room. I don't feel like smiling anymore and nothing makes me laugh. I feel like I will never wake up and be happy to be alive.
I'm trying as hard as I can, but life is kicking my ass.

All I want right now is to lay down next to Alex and feel secure. But I can't, because I'm here, and even if I wasn't here, even if I was there, it wouldn't matter anymore. Everything I sacrificed for three years to be with him was for nothing.
So, the one thing that did make me happy? Gone.

I lose.

FRIENDS ONLY. Add me. :)

I stole this from a friend.
For each letter of the alphabet, chose a word that describes you.

Appreciative.
Bitter.
Clumsy, curvaceous.
Determined.
Educated.
Fragile, funny, flirtatious.
Giggly.
Happy, generally.
Imaginative.
Jealous, judgmental.
Kid at heart.
Loyal.
Mean, sometimes.
Nervous.
Opinionated.
Playful.
Quiet.
Responsible.
Shy, short, sometimes smoker.
Tired.
Understanding.
Vibrant.
Wishful.
X?
Young.
Zealous.

I have the flu. Fuck being sick. :[